Sunday, December 20

Good Night’s Sleep

17 December…12:46 am…dead tired…back pain killing me…have not even changed from my office clothes (I return from office at 12)…and I am finally writing something… I am surprised at myself…

Let me explain…I am in no state to write now…firstly because the room light’s are switched off and I am trying to scribble this piece in the dark without even the mobile light…I so tired from the days work that I did not even change my clothes…I just threw my shoes somewhere and now m lying half on my bed and half on the floor…and I am having a strong urge to have a pillow-fight with somebody…I am trying so hard to sleep…but my sleep seems long lost…I so want to sleep peacefully…and not write these crazy stuff that do not make any sense….but to no avail…I will still write them…even if nobody is able to make head or tale out of this…trying to sleep…good night.

Monday, November 23


My dreams seem to be locked
the key to the door is lost
The hope seems somewhat damp
the light with them is foggy
The depression has seeped in
even the marrows seem infected

The dreams, the hope and depression
usually don’t go along
I don’t know where the roads
are leading me towards
The depression doesn’t allow me
to walk the remaining miles

I want to run, to achieve,
the strength is drained from me
The reason for this feeling
is still unreasoned
The depression has seeped in
even motivations don’t work

Friday, October 30

Catching Up With Friends

Saturday, October 3rd: It seems it was my day of catching up with old buddies.

I got up from my slumber at around 1 o’clock in the afternoon and was going though the list of missed calls I had received. I was surprised to see calls from my friends from my previous organization. I returned their calls, but they did not answer it. It seems they were busy. I was again surfing my mobile and thought of giving a call to all my ‘purane’ friends.

My first call was to Shyamoli and she has the history of not receiving my calls ever in the last one year since I found her number. However, it was my lucky day and she received my call. Surprisingly, she recognized me in a jiffy (as in I do not expect people to remember me after 5 years of not being in touch) and she sounded happy talking to me. We spoke about what each of us is doing currently on the work front and some old stuff. Then I enquired whether she was in touch with anybody else from our old hostel? She replied that she is not in contact with any of them save Nami. I was astounded to hear her name because for the last four years I have been searching this girl like crazy and was unable to trace her. I took Nami’s number from Shyamoli and hung up.

Now, I think I should give a little detailed information about who Nami is, so as to acquaint you with her. BACKGROUND CHECK: Nami was my hostel roommate in Assam. She was triple my size (was a sumo wrestler compared to my petite frame) - not fat but huge, ectothermic, fair, chinki, sweet spoken, smart and homely female. I say ectothermic because she used be snake cold in summers and ‘chalta firta heater (I used to call her that)’ in winters.

I was tomboyish so she ended up being my wife in the hostel (Please do not let your imaginations run wild). We became best of friends and she used to actually take care of me as a wife would do of her husband. She used to wake me up in morning, make my bed, bring my breakfast from the mess to our room, iron my college uniform, wash my clothes, keep my stuff in place, wait for lunch etc, etc. The list will go on and on and on. So, I will cut it short here with the statement that she was my wife.

I called up Nami – must tell you that I was scared that she might have forgotten me. She was sounding groggy. I spoke to her in Assamese initially, asking if I can speak to Nami Guhain, she said that she is Nami. I simply said I’m Richa, and waited for a reciprocation or rather recognition. And what I received was “Kutti, kamini, nalayak, kidhar thi itne din (You good for nothing oaf, where on earth were you for so long)?” I was so happy with the reaction that I actually forgot the fact that we were talking to each other after four long years.

We spoke to each other for nearly 40 minutes and refreshed almost all the memories we could in that span. She told me that she is a school teacher in the same school that she had studied from. She added that she had joined in for a BEd course in another college after finishing her Grad. She asked me how I was and how was I doing. I told her about my where and how-abouts and we just discussed certain things about other friends from our hostel and promised to be in touch with each other this time and hung up.

Then filled with nostalgia of happiness of talking to friends – I called up Sahil.

BACKGROUND CHECK: Sahil Singh is my school time friend. Though we were arch enemies in school - nothing related to studies or sports or other curricular stuff. It was all a misunderstanding between us that lead to a proper cat fight (rather cat and dog fight) with no winner. For the next four years that we spent in the school together, we never spoke to each other. The funniest part was, he used to be my next door neighbor and he used to come to my house every evening for a cup of tea. Oh! How much we detested each other. So, you must be surprised that how are we talking now. Ya! Some 2 years back I got his mobile number accidentally and so I called up just to try to do away with the earlier riff. And we did.

So, back to Sahil’s call – He was in the hospital down with typhoid. He had come to collect his test reports so he told me he will call back. I was a little worried but said ok. He called me back after an hour. I asked him about his health and he replied that he is fine now and recovering. We refreshed our school memories, discussed our current jobs, future plans, etc. Then we discussed about the reason for our fight in the school and we realized that the mistake was altogether somebody else’s.

Anyways, we spoke for around 40-45 minutes. Then, through the day I spoke to Pankaj, another school friend of mine, and Vikas. Pankaj Singh was my senior in the school and his mother was friends with my mom so we had a little family relation as well. However, Pankaj was one goon in the area and considered himself the reincarnation of Casanova, which was reason enough for me to detest him. But, later we somehow became good friends.

Vikas Singh was a guy who I met for the first time during a train journey. We clicked and we became friends – I will write a separate blog for this particular meeting as it really is interesting. So, let’s leave it at that.

However, the day was great – it was sort of a phone reunion for me, which made me really happy.


I’m difficult

Too difficult to handle

Too difficult to understand

The thoughts flow so easily

But the script seems different

The reading is complicated

I am difficult

But nobody has tried

Nobody has even thought

That only language could be different

I can be deciphered

I can be handled as well

Because everybody wants to se me

As I am difficult


I am a kind of an amphibian it seems – with an ability to survive in two different worlds. The difference here is that the two worlds are created by me, viz. real and surreal.

The real life is where I am a sweet, caring, loving and a nice to be with person. However, this world of mine is meant only for me. I am not a part of this society, its norms, the rules and regulations and its people. I am an individual that feels cozy without anybody appreciating my presence. The lone self is beautiful and creative at the same time. It does not get bored with the day to day chores and certain useless work. I am no reformer of souls, or creator of a new world. I am just the nurturer of the existent. I do not seek approval of my existence from anybody. The freedom of thought provides sustenance to me and makes me stronger day by day.

The other world – the surreal world. I should actually not call it surreal as it is not a fairy tale, but that is not what I want so this is my tale and hence surreal. This is the world made by me for all to see and understand. The surreal I SEEKS – it seeks appreciation for the good work I do or criticism, for that matter, for a mediocre work. It desires perfection. It craves for approval on certain norms. It wishes to make friends, but it is selfish at the end of the day. It feeds on competition. It relishes work. It aspires to reach zenith. It wants to be supreme. It seeks peace in the restless world. It intends to break free the ‘not making sense’ shackles of the society. The societal chains can not resist her ambitions as they do not make sense to her. She will achieve what she intends to.

The amphibian will finally learn to merge the real with the surreal. But the peace will come with the achievement of the “Seeking” and the “Me”. So, till then the amphibian goes on…

Monday, October 19

Hatred Is A Form of Extreme But Negative Devotion

I believe that hatred is a very strong emotion – probably stronger than love can ever be. One needs an immensely tough reason to hate a person. I do not know and I do not understand but I have tried to make out the reason behind hating somebody. There have a lot of people across my life that have hurt me - some for the reason that they considered me better than them in some aspects and certain other for no visible reasons.

I cite a story from Ramayana to provide a clearer picture of the title I have written. Here it goes:

When the time came for the final war with Ravana, Laxman expressed his desire to fight with him and kill him. But Rama said no and added that it is his karma to kill Ravana. Laxman was perplexed but he tried to convince Rama about his abilities to kill Ravana. However, Rama said that Ravana was an immense follower of his and he has granted him a boon in his previous birth that he will be killed by him only. Laxman was further perplexed that why Rama considered Ravana as his follower. So, Rama explained that these many years, despite hating me, Ravana had been thing about in every moment of his being, that makes him worthwhile of heaven.

But, why I am writing this piece is to truly remove the hatred inside me for some body. For around 16 years of my life I have been hating somebody more than any other emotion I could give out or share with any other person. Today, I realized that I remembered almost all the details of that person. Starting from his facial features to the way he spoke, ate, sat, combed, smelled (as I am amazingly smell sensitive – so I relate almost half my emotions as well to with smell), walked etc. even the minor details as in the street leading to his place of living or the places he used to frequented to are fresh in my memory as new. But I have forgotten the face of my friends that were there with me in my primary school. It is weird right?

So, o thought that am I really trying get away from his thoughts or I am nurturing him in there by keeping his memories so fresh and alive. It seems, it was a kind of negative devotion from me. Trust me – if the ‘tapasya’ of some sort of some God or Goddess in the older times would have been a reality – then in that case some God would have descended the heavens and granted all my wishes if I would have remembered them as many times I have remembered that person.

I have wasted so many years to reach to this conclusion that indifference is a better punishment for somebody instead of hatred. Whenever you hate somebody, you spend so much of your energy and time thinking about that person. You actually give more to that person than the actual people who deserve and need your love.

I so much wanted to BREAK FREE of the hatred because anything that used to remind me of him could agitate me. Now, when I have broken the wall and cleared the clouds, it feels lighter – it feels beautiful.

Saturday, September 26


The realization of a smile
The appearance of emotions
The warmth of affections
Gets me a feeling of apprehension

Am I worth the feeling?
Am I really on the receiving end?
Am I getting out of my shell?
The thought makes me apprehensive

Why should I be scared?
I do have the right to breath free
And the SUNLIGHT...
I'll get accustomed to it
I will...

The Sunrise

To begin with, I would want to clarify that the below mentioned anecdote is a dream, hence the beauty. Also, it is not my dream and I would not want to disclose the name of the person in the dream with me (primarily because it is your dream), not because I do not want others to know but because I do not want them to think. And I am sure you will agree to that fact that the kind of thinking I am referring to will make the content lose its essence…

Let’s begin…

It was an amazing sunrise, on one the most majestic beaches, where the soft golden sand and the gentle waves were caressing each other. The colorful beach somehow seemed a little unearthly and unblemished. The vast and sparkling blue water spread across till the eyes could see. The beach was empty save two people; me and you – walking hand in hand on the freshly powdered beach, completely oblivious to the surroundings but completely engrossed in each other at the same time.

I was walking holding your left hand (so unlike me – right?) with fingers entwined in yours and was holding my slippers in my left hand. The grip of your fingers around mine was firm yet so comforting and positive. It said that you will be there for me 'always'. You reminded me of a quote that said “The spaces between your fingers were created so that mine could fill them in.” And, I smiled at it, because you never came across to me as a person who could romanticize on small gestures. For that matter, you were perceived as an impervious, intimidating bully.

You dreamt of me wearing an angelic white wavy satin dress. The knee length dress was dancing with the breeze blending perfectly with the sky getting brighter with every passing moment. The moments seemed to elapse so quickly, and we so much wished that it stayed still. The small sparkling diamond studs in my ears glittered as the sunrays flirted with them. The diamonds smiled brightly as her beloved sunray touched her body, passing through it as a monochrome and emerging as a rainbow in all its beautiful colors. The refracted rays were playing around, creating different colorful shapes on my face.

The hint of kohl in my eyes gave it a brighter, vainer look and helped the emotions to appear clearly in them. The open hair of mine fluttered with the wind and kissed my cheeks so as to make you notice them. The pink of my lips was so brilliant that it almost wanted to give out my secret of the beautiful lingering feeling of the previous night spent with you.

You were wearing an ice blue shirt with half sleeves and blue denim that was folded up till the knees (pretty unlike you – right?). The alluring and enticing smell of your perfume hung around us, giving me all the reasons to smile and think of things associated with you. We wanted to speak about so many things but the serenity and the calm of the moment was so beautiful that we both let the tranquility seize us, lest we disturb the flow of thoughts. We could understand each others' thoughts so well even without the help of words.

I turned back to see how far we have walked and I could see the footprints of both of us on the sand as far as my eyes could see. Your prints were a little larger than mine and the spacing between them was also a little greater than mine. But somehow the steps seemed very close to my heart, as if we have been treading on the path inside it. The walk on that stretch of beach was splendid. The sun was making a halo around my head and I was a perfect blend with the sea behind. I looked as if I was some angel descended from the heaven just for you. I was looking so ethereal on the breathtaking beach, holding your hands.

And you woke up with the beep of your alarm ringing beside your ears…

Wednesday, September 16

The Nostalgia

The nostalgia flows in the empty space of my head as water flows through the broken dam, and will destroy every thing in its way, but I will control it no matter what…

What do I remember…is a mystery to myself…I miss those happy childhood days with my parents and the hostel life fun with friends…I so much wish that I could re-live those moments and wish that I would not have hurt some people as I did….I wish that I could have understood that life is beautiful in the way it is… I could have lived every moment to its fullest and would not have wasted... I would have done everything that my heart now cries for…

I wish I would not have fought with my mother and hurt her at times when I did it out of irritation of inability of attaining marks in y exams…I wish I could have ironed all of my mom’s cotton sari’s whenever she wanted to wear them (as she had to wait for me to come home during my vacations to do so)… I wish I had some more time to spend with my sisters…I wish I would not have yelled at them (whenever I got irritated)…

But I don’t understand why people remember sad things and be depressed. I know we can’t change our past so we can try to make up for them and make some more good memories for us to remember... It’s like we try so hard to be happy but we do not have to put in effort to be sad. It’s applicable for everybody.

I have some amazing set of memories as well…Wherein after remembering them, I laughed so much that I got cramps in my belly…So, we do have happiness in our lives more than we acknowledge or respect it...

I had read a poem some years back that stated a scenario wherein a husband was leaving his pregnant wife for a business tour on ship. The ship would have taken around a year to sail across and come to shore and the wife was sad that her husband would not be around her when the child would see the world for the first time. The husband tried to reason with her that he would come back soon and told her one thing. The husband said that I would be leaving day after tomorrow and you still have two full days to live and be happy with me. I know you will be sad after I m gone despite the fact that I don’t want you to. So why can’t we share the precious moments we have with us and be happy rather than pulling the sadness that will come after two days to kill today’s happiness.

This poem, I don’t remember the poem or the poet name, but the essence has lasted for around 6 years now and I think will remain forever. People may tag you unemotional or stone hearted if you are happy after listening to some news that supposed to affect (sadden) you after some days. But don’t you think this is stupid to be unhappy without any reason.

I am happy without any reason – very happy – seeing me thus somebody asked me why are you happy? I replied, just like that, why? Do you need reasons to be happy? He said yes you do and mad people are happy without any reasons. So, I replied that I would prefer being mad then. Is it so mandatory to have a reason to smile? Hello! Grow up people!

Research says that it takes around 43 muscles to frown but only 17 muscles to smile for human beings. So, why to waste so much of energy on frowning? Nostalgia or memories are supposed to make your life happier and beautiful so why to keep the sadder ones and be depressed or anything on those lines.

Life is very short, keep it simple and sweet.

It is bliss to be happy, just smile so that world remembers you for spreading happiness…


Thursday, September 10

Your explanation of a bear hug I received

The warmth of bear hug can be felt when it runs all across your veins. A hug usually tells you almost everything you think about that person, the emotions are transferred without a single word being spoken.

A hug was given to me by my friend yesterday (September 2) and I would like to explain it for him.

The hug was scintillating – a kiss planted on my cheek after that was similar to a cherry on top. The hug said – I want to tell you so many things but words fail me. The words fail to suffice the feelings of the emotion (or vice versa) I’ve in my heart for you.

The voice was quivering because I could not gather myself to speak so I asked you how you felt. I thought may be you will be able to voice out my thoughts. But, you are stone – trust me you are. It seems you don’t feel anything but that’s not possible. I have given all my emotion in that particular hug and the lift. I just wanted to feel your presence. Around me, with me for sometime. Did I ask for something that I should not have?

I don’t know girl, but I wish I could tell you what the small moments spend with you mean to me. I get a fresh feel, a new energy to work for a new day when you are around. The small caress you do, the small touch of your hands on my cheek mean a lot.

I work with a relaxed mind when you are around. I wish I could make you understand what that means to me…

Reality comes to you like a deep breath

I was just thinking about the office romances budding up these days. We fall for such kind of relationships despite of understanding its nuances in whole. The worst form of office romances are when one or both of the partners are married outside of their office relation.

However, the main issue is why do these situations arrive?

I have my own reasons for them – and not one or two but three... So let’s discuss the first one out:

Since majority of us work in private firms these days so spending over 9 hours in office is getting common. Nine hours of shift timings and at times the Over Time or learning’s (as some people prefer calling it). However, more time we spend at work more we become engrossed onto it. I like, rather love my work, and enjoy being in the office, but I do have a life outside work as well. Ok, I used to have – but now I have become so damn useless and worthless that I read books like P.S. I Love You to kill my time. Whatever, this post is not about me so lets get back to our discussion.

Spending so much of time in an organization, full of attractive opposite sex, all smart looking intelligent people – it’s human to get attracted towards them. Beginning of any romance is based on how much time do you actually spend with each other. So the first step is taken.

When you are working in a certain environment – you tend to understand the problems and scenarios faced by the people around you. You start to share your issues with them – you start to hear them out- vent out their frustration on their boss or a particular occurrence – and here starts the building of soft corner in your heart for them.

Human is meant to be emotional – and with the emotional tie ups and bonding taught to us since birth – we tend to get emotionally attached to the person who shares our emotional burden and hears us out in distraught situations. And the second step is taken.

The person on the usual basis goes home – spends his/her time in front of the television or in the kitchen. Spouses start speaking less to each other as they have their guilt may be or they might start missing their office fling. People start bringing their projects home so as to invest their time in their work. This is the start of lack of communication at home. People tend to forget to ask a simple question - “How was your day honey?” A small question - that conveys all the affection – loses all its essence. And the third step is taken.

However, when theses virtual relations leak to the break-up of real relations - when you are alone – and the emotions are shattered – then reality strikes on your face. People realize what thave they lost and what have they gained in these phases of non communication with their family

Howsoever, reality comes as a deep breath

Saturday, August 22


The rains were pouring that day….pouring cats and dogs…and I so much wanted to get soaked till my soul. And stand on some lone bridge and sing loudly “I’m with you…”

Am not that lucky to sing but yes I got drenched. I took a bus to my friend’s place that evening, and by the time I reached his place it had started to rain again. Ok raining would be an understatement – it had started to pour again. I took my friend along with me and walked across the place round and round and round and round for almost four hours.

For a brief period of time I was happy and I would tell my friend that how much it means to me to have friends like him. Gave him a rose to express what was I thinking (Yellow rose of course since he was a friend), had a scoop of my favorite black currant ice cream, walked across the roads dancing and singing loudly. I was scared that he’ll disown me (Ok, this is my fav dialogue – that if somebody does something embarrassing in public, we immediately announce that we do not know that person – that is of course not serious – but we still do it).

Ya, coming back to point, so for a period I was happy and the next moment the rain brought all dreary thoughts, grey like the clouds, in me. They emphasized the sad thoughts, enveloping me and making me burst like them. I did burst open, cried like crazy – but rain helped and nobody knew or noticed that I was crying in public. Lucky me huh….

That particular time I remembered almost all my gloomy thoughts and memories that are usually hidden in some treasured chest. The person beside me –my friend let me cry - he did not ask me why – did not wipe my tears – just kept holding my hands while we were walking. He kept listening to everything that I had to speak about.

This memory of mine just makes me feel so happy and lucky about self that I’ve such amazing set of friends.

Guys this should have been said on the “FRIENDSHIP’S DAY” but every day is special so “thanks for being a part of my life – luv you lots.”


the dark venomous night
spreads in my veins
the venom turns me blue
and I smile in sheer pain
the smile though is panicy
its devastating to smile
when the venom is spreading
the darkness seems to reign
I smile at my fortune
the obnoxius pain remains
the dark venomous night
spreads through every beat....

Monday, August 17

Life is a rat race His Highness

I quote Dominique Francon from the novel “The Fountainhead” by Ayn Rand..

“If I found a job, project, an ideal or a person I wanted - I’d have to depend on the whole world. Everything has strings leading to everything else. We’re so tied together. We’re all in a net, the net is waiting, and we’re pushed into it by one single desire. You want a thing and it’s precious to you. Do you know who is standing ready to tear it out of your hands? You can’t know, it may be so involved and so faraway, but someone is ready, and you’re afraid of them all. And you cringe and you crawl and you beg and you accept them – just so they’ll let you keep it. And look at whom you come to accept.”

…So I say…

Life is a rat race so even in the end when you win, you remain a rat. There are so many beautiful things to be done instead of competing with others. One can never be perfect, it’s not human but instead of running towards a perfect you, can’t you try to rectify things you seem to need to be perfect in yourself. That will save the time and the fuel.

Life is not worth competing with others. If you do so – it gives others an upper hand on your life. They rule it with their norms – do you want to live as per somebody else’s whims? One thing for sure can’t – nobody can.

I’ve stopped bothering about people long back. They thought I born genius and will not survive the age of 18, because people with that much of intelligence can’t survive. But see – I’m well alive – yes but the brain does not seem to function the same way it used to. I ruined myself when I started running for perfection. I realized that there are so many things to compete with and I was good in almost everything. Then one fine day I realized that the fuel is getting over because you can’t fight everybody and you can’t win over them.

I realized it was time to start afresh – a new life, a new fight – all for my own self. There is nobody who can understand exactly what and why are you thinking something or on certain lines. But they are there for you – as I will be there for you (even if you betray me – just kidding). Whenever you realize this – think of me – and I’ll appear.

Stop running dear, start fighting – because life is way long but the time is too short…….