Friday, October 30

Catching Up With Friends

Saturday, October 3rd: It seems it was my day of catching up with old buddies.

I got up from my slumber at around 1 o’clock in the afternoon and was going though the list of missed calls I had received. I was surprised to see calls from my friends from my previous organization. I returned their calls, but they did not answer it. It seems they were busy. I was again surfing my mobile and thought of giving a call to all my ‘purane’ friends.

My first call was to Shyamoli and she has the history of not receiving my calls ever in the last one year since I found her number. However, it was my lucky day and she received my call. Surprisingly, she recognized me in a jiffy (as in I do not expect people to remember me after 5 years of not being in touch) and she sounded happy talking to me. We spoke about what each of us is doing currently on the work front and some old stuff. Then I enquired whether she was in touch with anybody else from our old hostel? She replied that she is not in contact with any of them save Nami. I was astounded to hear her name because for the last four years I have been searching this girl like crazy and was unable to trace her. I took Nami’s number from Shyamoli and hung up.

Now, I think I should give a little detailed information about who Nami is, so as to acquaint you with her. BACKGROUND CHECK: Nami was my hostel roommate in Assam. She was triple my size (was a sumo wrestler compared to my petite frame) - not fat but huge, ectothermic, fair, chinki, sweet spoken, smart and homely female. I say ectothermic because she used be snake cold in summers and ‘chalta firta heater (I used to call her that)’ in winters.

I was tomboyish so she ended up being my wife in the hostel (Please do not let your imaginations run wild). We became best of friends and she used to actually take care of me as a wife would do of her husband. She used to wake me up in morning, make my bed, bring my breakfast from the mess to our room, iron my college uniform, wash my clothes, keep my stuff in place, wait for lunch etc, etc. The list will go on and on and on. So, I will cut it short here with the statement that she was my wife.

I called up Nami – must tell you that I was scared that she might have forgotten me. She was sounding groggy. I spoke to her in Assamese initially, asking if I can speak to Nami Guhain, she said that she is Nami. I simply said I’m Richa, and waited for a reciprocation or rather recognition. And what I received was “Kutti, kamini, nalayak, kidhar thi itne din (You good for nothing oaf, where on earth were you for so long)?” I was so happy with the reaction that I actually forgot the fact that we were talking to each other after four long years.

We spoke to each other for nearly 40 minutes and refreshed almost all the memories we could in that span. She told me that she is a school teacher in the same school that she had studied from. She added that she had joined in for a BEd course in another college after finishing her Grad. She asked me how I was and how was I doing. I told her about my where and how-abouts and we just discussed certain things about other friends from our hostel and promised to be in touch with each other this time and hung up.

Then filled with nostalgia of happiness of talking to friends – I called up Sahil.

BACKGROUND CHECK: Sahil Singh is my school time friend. Though we were arch enemies in school - nothing related to studies or sports or other curricular stuff. It was all a misunderstanding between us that lead to a proper cat fight (rather cat and dog fight) with no winner. For the next four years that we spent in the school together, we never spoke to each other. The funniest part was, he used to be my next door neighbor and he used to come to my house every evening for a cup of tea. Oh! How much we detested each other. So, you must be surprised that how are we talking now. Ya! Some 2 years back I got his mobile number accidentally and so I called up just to try to do away with the earlier riff. And we did.

So, back to Sahil’s call – He was in the hospital down with typhoid. He had come to collect his test reports so he told me he will call back. I was a little worried but said ok. He called me back after an hour. I asked him about his health and he replied that he is fine now and recovering. We refreshed our school memories, discussed our current jobs, future plans, etc. Then we discussed about the reason for our fight in the school and we realized that the mistake was altogether somebody else’s.

Anyways, we spoke for around 40-45 minutes. Then, through the day I spoke to Pankaj, another school friend of mine, and Vikas. Pankaj Singh was my senior in the school and his mother was friends with my mom so we had a little family relation as well. However, Pankaj was one goon in the area and considered himself the reincarnation of Casanova, which was reason enough for me to detest him. But, later we somehow became good friends.

Vikas Singh was a guy who I met for the first time during a train journey. We clicked and we became friends – I will write a separate blog for this particular meeting as it really is interesting. So, let’s leave it at that.

However, the day was great – it was sort of a phone reunion for me, which made me really happy.


I’m difficult

Too difficult to handle

Too difficult to understand

The thoughts flow so easily

But the script seems different

The reading is complicated

I am difficult

But nobody has tried

Nobody has even thought

That only language could be different

I can be deciphered

I can be handled as well

Because everybody wants to se me

As I am difficult


I am a kind of an amphibian it seems – with an ability to survive in two different worlds. The difference here is that the two worlds are created by me, viz. real and surreal.

The real life is where I am a sweet, caring, loving and a nice to be with person. However, this world of mine is meant only for me. I am not a part of this society, its norms, the rules and regulations and its people. I am an individual that feels cozy without anybody appreciating my presence. The lone self is beautiful and creative at the same time. It does not get bored with the day to day chores and certain useless work. I am no reformer of souls, or creator of a new world. I am just the nurturer of the existent. I do not seek approval of my existence from anybody. The freedom of thought provides sustenance to me and makes me stronger day by day.

The other world – the surreal world. I should actually not call it surreal as it is not a fairy tale, but that is not what I want so this is my tale and hence surreal. This is the world made by me for all to see and understand. The surreal I SEEKS – it seeks appreciation for the good work I do or criticism, for that matter, for a mediocre work. It desires perfection. It craves for approval on certain norms. It wishes to make friends, but it is selfish at the end of the day. It feeds on competition. It relishes work. It aspires to reach zenith. It wants to be supreme. It seeks peace in the restless world. It intends to break free the ‘not making sense’ shackles of the society. The societal chains can not resist her ambitions as they do not make sense to her. She will achieve what she intends to.

The amphibian will finally learn to merge the real with the surreal. But the peace will come with the achievement of the “Seeking” and the “Me”. So, till then the amphibian goes on…

Monday, October 19

Hatred Is A Form of Extreme But Negative Devotion

I believe that hatred is a very strong emotion – probably stronger than love can ever be. One needs an immensely tough reason to hate a person. I do not know and I do not understand but I have tried to make out the reason behind hating somebody. There have a lot of people across my life that have hurt me - some for the reason that they considered me better than them in some aspects and certain other for no visible reasons.

I cite a story from Ramayana to provide a clearer picture of the title I have written. Here it goes:

When the time came for the final war with Ravana, Laxman expressed his desire to fight with him and kill him. But Rama said no and added that it is his karma to kill Ravana. Laxman was perplexed but he tried to convince Rama about his abilities to kill Ravana. However, Rama said that Ravana was an immense follower of his and he has granted him a boon in his previous birth that he will be killed by him only. Laxman was further perplexed that why Rama considered Ravana as his follower. So, Rama explained that these many years, despite hating me, Ravana had been thing about in every moment of his being, that makes him worthwhile of heaven.

But, why I am writing this piece is to truly remove the hatred inside me for some body. For around 16 years of my life I have been hating somebody more than any other emotion I could give out or share with any other person. Today, I realized that I remembered almost all the details of that person. Starting from his facial features to the way he spoke, ate, sat, combed, smelled (as I am amazingly smell sensitive – so I relate almost half my emotions as well to with smell), walked etc. even the minor details as in the street leading to his place of living or the places he used to frequented to are fresh in my memory as new. But I have forgotten the face of my friends that were there with me in my primary school. It is weird right?

So, o thought that am I really trying get away from his thoughts or I am nurturing him in there by keeping his memories so fresh and alive. It seems, it was a kind of negative devotion from me. Trust me – if the ‘tapasya’ of some sort of some God or Goddess in the older times would have been a reality – then in that case some God would have descended the heavens and granted all my wishes if I would have remembered them as many times I have remembered that person.

I have wasted so many years to reach to this conclusion that indifference is a better punishment for somebody instead of hatred. Whenever you hate somebody, you spend so much of your energy and time thinking about that person. You actually give more to that person than the actual people who deserve and need your love.

I so much wanted to BREAK FREE of the hatred because anything that used to remind me of him could agitate me. Now, when I have broken the wall and cleared the clouds, it feels lighter – it feels beautiful.