Friday, June 30


Hangover – quite a common word.

Wikipedia defines it as an “experience of various unpleasant physiological and psychological effects following the consumption of ethanol” (Alcohol in common language).

This is a very general meaning of the word, however, the unpleasant physiological and psychological effects can be for various reasons – love, anger, fight, angst, irritation, etc. Have you ever felt a hangover from any of the above? Yes, then you will understand what I am talking about.

Superficially everything seems fairly sorted and even, but the unpleasantness lies somewhere under the skin after a huge fight or something wrong that just happened. I had a fight. With you ask. Let’s just say that I am married and I live with my in-laws so what has happened is really normal for an Indian household. Fights happen and I am not concerned about the fight or what happened during the fight.

What I am concerned about here is the hangover. There are times when the word uttered lose their meaning but it feels like they are hanging over (literally & sometimes figuratively) your head. The aftermath has happened. The tsunami came by, drowned you and somehow you magically survived. However, the survival is not enough. The lingering effects of the verbal tsunami remain. You don’t know how to deal with it. Does it go away eventually? Yes, like every other hangover it does go – but what happens until then.

Everything seems normal and natural but the pangs of pain keep coming. You act happy and smile ear-to-ear. Apologies don’t happen, and even if they do – they are fairly useless. Even when you do the formal apology, it does not really work. Then deep down inside you know you are wrong and yet not completely. In a fight, no one is completely wrong or right. The matters delve much deeper than that. How do we deal with that? Is there an Aspirin out there for such hangovers?

The physiological effects can be acted upon and you can work on a fake smile (I have years of practice – and it's magical) but the psychological effects can be really unnerving. I am scared for the first time in my life after a fight. And yes I have been in zillions of fights (both literal and figurative). Despite that, I have never been scared – not for my life but for some seemingly unknown reason. It’s the psychological reasons that hurt.

Can the hangover be dealt with? If so, how?

Sunday, December 13

Deep Gray Angst

Your eyes get clouded
With deep gray angst
And your smile appears that tries to hide
Your efforts of control
Beaded black eyes
And pink colored smile
Only you can make it happen
Anger that rises ounce by ounce
Hidden beneath a smile that melts away heat
What a beautiful contrast - Yet so deadly
A look to kill
A look to destroy
A look to say it all
Black beads stay stagnant
Pink curves keep changing
A look so intense
A look so wondrous
A look that tears down all
Clouds, I never knew could be so intense
Beauty of black ocean

With hint of pink has slaughtered all

Saturday, February 21


I never had faith in my own prayers but in others. I would ask people around me or my family to pray for me. Anyone who visited God places, I requested them to pray for me. But somehow I never prayed. I spoke to him directly. If that's how prayers work, mine did. I never knew why prayers worked a certain way and why not the other way.

God is in your heart, I was groomed to believe that. If so, then why is there the need to specifically arrange for prayers in a certain way. Why can't we simply talk to him and convey our regards or put forward our requests? Why is the need for aarti or namaaz.

If he wanted us to pray in a particular way, why not instill the same in every individual. Why different ways? If they are not designed to make sense then why people around us ensure that the praying tradition is embedded in our genes?

I believe there is no answer to that. Someday when I meet God for my final judgment, I will ask Him. Till then I will wait and pray the way I believe in them and not the way anyone teaches me.

Saturday, December 13

कुछ एहसास

हरी हरी घास पर खाली पैर चलने का एहसास

शहर के बीचोबीच अपने पूरे होने का एहसास

ओस की ठंडी बूंदे जो छू जाये इन तलवों को 

उनमे वो बचपनवाली ख़ुशी मिलने का एहसास...

Tuesday, July 29

Why does misery of other people make us happy?

Alok Rodinhood Kejriwal Facebooked today this “Why does misery of other people make us happy?” and this is my take on the same question. I fail to answer it but I don’t crave happiness – it comes naturally (sometimes due to reasons and rest of the times without them).

Now, isn’t happiness the natural state of human beings. We are born with a basic understanding of love and all other form of emotions comes by with experience. So, why it is that happiness finds it difficult to come by us when we grow up? The momentary joy of being able to say “I told you so” or “You deserved it” is more fun than actually helping them face the problem. What has made us degrade from that blissful state into the sordid one? Why does inflicting pain, directly or indirectly bring that fleeting feeling of festivity to our heart?

We seek happiness in material things or a cigarette smoked or a drink had, but we forget the conversation we had over the drink or that smoke. We just remember that bad hangover after one too many drinks. We take pleasure in sharing our tales of sorrow to all, even when we know no one is really interested in listening to it.

We seek happiness in what makes others miserable. We enjoy from the fact that someone is unhappy either because of us or due to something that we didn’t do, which might have helped that person through. Somehow we have forgotten the natural instinct of loving people and being in a state of sheer happiness, without being sadist about it.

Perhaps we have forgotten that joy is best when it is shared with people you love and sorrows sort of mellow down in company. Loneliness never enhances happiness and never allows distress to get out of your life. As a rule we are bound to be with people, but our current lifestyle has made us impervious to any feelings of joy and has increased the craving. Maybe that is why we enjoy scorn, sarcasm and sadism instead of love, happiness and laughter.

Friday, April 4

Reasons to be happy...

I am very happy today. No reason. Or wait there is a reason. I went shopping and bought a designer Saree that had caught my eye almost a year back and somehow it was not sold. Probably it is too expensive as per the market norms and was not actually worth the price or may be it was just waiting there for me. Whichever is true, I got it and the sense owning it has made me little too cheery. I therefore enjoyed a movie more than I normally would.

So, when I sit in that happy mood on my 15th floor balcony, I get a little philosophical thinking that now I have started to need reasons to be happy. Since when we started having the needs of owning material objects to feel the joy that should come naturally to us. Isn't sadness the thing that comes with reasons. I was happy when got this house, mind you its still on rent but yes its mine. I was happy when I got my wedding dress designed. I was happy when I bought a phone (tablet).

I don't have the days or reasons when I truly was happy without any specific material reason. I remember the day when my first boss from second job (boss was same and so was the office) asked me why are you smiling, share it with us and make everyone smile. I replied that since when people started needing reasons to be happy. He told me that I am going bonkers if I am smiling or being happy for no reason. And back then I just smiled at him. But now honestly, I have changed to be like him, and this is not a change that I wanted to happen to me.

I indulged in the race that I once avoided and now I have become a rat, but who cares if I win or not. I wish to be happy, the way I was on the day my boss told me I am mad. I wish to be happy like the day I hugged my niece and she kissed me back. I wish to be happy to see my father smile when he saw the smartphone I and my sister gifted him.

They still are reasons but at least they are intangible assets. I wish there would a day soon where I would be happy without reasons, until then intangible assets should do.

Tuesday, January 21

हम तुम्हारे हुए

ज़माने हुए कुछ साथ मे लिखे हुए
कुछ अल्फ़ाज़ होंठो से गिरे हुए. 
किसे चुनने की फुरसत है यहाँ
हम तो बैठे है उनकी आँखों मे डूबे हुए.

शब्दो के मायने उनके लबो पर बदले हैं
दूरियों से परे उनकी आहट छलके है.
ज़माने हुए कुछ साथ मे कहे हुए
कौन समझेगा की शब्द यहाँ बेमाने हुए.

ये वक़्त ठेहरा है अब उसी मोड़ पर
जहां मुड़ कर वो गए तन्हा छोड़ कर.
साथ रहकर वक़्त काटे हुए ज़माने हुए
अब हर लम्हा इस ज़िंदगी मे हम तुम्हारे हुए.