Loss

Is it due to the loss of someone we love that we cry or is it that we feel pity on the hurtful situation?  Is it the pain that hurts or the mere loss? Despite the crisis or the pain, I don’t cry generally. It’s only when I’m with someone who I love or in front of whom I’m not scared to bare my heart, I cry. People say crying makes it easier to bear the pain, but even the deepest sense of loss can’t make me cry till I am with someone who touches those chords.

The lost soul is forever gone - either never to come back or never to get that place back in my life and heart. So, definitely there is a loss - a vacant space created in my soul due to your absence, but who do I go and explain. I cry with you or in front of you because you give me the respite none else does. But do you fulfill the loss - no you don’t. You seem to enhance the depth of gorge to an unfathomable extent. I panic. To cry or not to cry is the question now. I am at loss of the loss and the panic instilled by your presence

You will think I am confused, but I am not. Scared - yes I am, at the loss I already have and the loss that your presence instills. So, you double the loss and now I cry for both. You ask me what is it that I cry for and here the words confuse me – to an extent of creating inability in being coherent.

I cry – I still am not coherent – I cry – the loss is still unfathomable – I cry – the pain is still there – I cry – I still am scared.

The loss of you, the loss of your current presence and the loss of expressions – still hurt. I know its fresh but usually numbness never finds me. The pain never ceases. So, I cry for the loss – forever – but never with you.

Beads of Sweat

Beads of sweat

Fall off your brow

They taste sweet

Against my sweat

The joy of being

Able to taste is heavenly,

Your heart beats against mine

Is the high of head banging

Sweetness of your lips

Is next to nectar of love,

Joy of your touch

On my golden skin

Glows on my face

And brightens my smile,

Touch of your lips

Gives me a high of bliss,

Your breathe against mine

Is my scent of love.

Beads of sweat

Flow over my body

I am drenched and soaked

Yet I am so thirsty,

Your love is what I seek

Forever and ever and ever,

Your beaded sweat

Tastes sweeter than nectar

Your sweat is what I seek

Your beads on my heart

Beads of sweat on my soul.

Let me let go of your eyes

Some emotions just seem to engulf your entire existence; still they leave you unfazed with so many mysteries that complete them. I see the swarming questions and emotions in your eyes. I know they seem to ask a lot more than your mere words convey. It’s beyond my understanding of your need to utter them. I know you are scared and so am I. I wish things were a little simpler but have I not myself, made it so complex. I am scared of your questions and your overtly conveying eyes. There are times when I feel to simply bask in the love they ooze but that’s again not mine to ask for.

A life with you is endearing and a life without you will go on. You ask me whether I will miss you when you are gone. Don’t you know it for yourself? Is it too much to ask if I simply want to be happy? With you or without you is not the question.

I know I sound selfish but you are someone I wish to possess my entire life and I know that it will not happen. I know I will have to let go of you. You have to find your happiness elsewhere. But your eyes will always haunt me, my entire life.

I will never be able to let go of them. You know how I feel about you and I am scared that everyone else does too.

Cliché

Thoughts that cross my mind have been told across a zillion times and the come across as clichés or dialogues. But has anyone thought that they might be my real feelings. It might just be that I am going through that block where there is nothing new for to think or write and this phase will pass. The ray of sunlight will peep through the grey clouds and I will smile again as if I had never known any sorrows, until then I wait and search for my smile. It is just a traffic jam not a dead end. Even if, it would have been a dead end I will find my way off and carve my road. Till then I wait for the traffic to clear. I don’t wait for anyone to find me happiness or grant me permission to seek my smile. I know how to find my star. The sole guiding star of mu soul is hidden behind the clouds and the clouds will go. I just have to make a strong wind and all the grays will fly off giving way to my soul star. Till then I wait and work on my way through.

Some Meaningless Banter On Love

“Love Comes in a Package” – A friend of mine used to tell this to me long time back.

She elaborated on my questioning glance that when you fall in love with a person, you accept them with their good, bad and ugly, all features intact. You do not change them as per your whims but make amends in your lifestyle to suit the relationship requirements. You should make space for their mood swings and tantrums, and smilingly ‘move on’ as you know they would do the same for you.

After so many years, I still remember her words ringing clearly in my ears as I wait for the one who would accept me with all my goods and bads – the best of me with the worst of me. If it were true in her case, why would it be too much to ask in my case?

However, life is not same for everyone. I’ve forgotten the feeling of love – the pink heart shape glasses that come with it. The ability to see beauty in everything has faded with the keen and alert glare at the world. I don’t let myself believe in love. I don’t wish to believe either. The belief makes me weak. The stories of ‘Prince Charmings’ sweeping their beloveds’ off their feet has lost its charm. The dream of opening the door for my love every evening has lost its meaning in this constant race for sustainability.

I’m no more the delicate and sensitive person I was. Now I try to see trough everything, even when I’m supposed to let go and let things happen on their own accord. The world has gotten into me – it has turned me to follow their rotten ways. It used to see me in a bad light and now when I’ve turned bad, it deems me fit. An insensitive slave – a part of their meaningless race.

I used to say that I’ll never be a part of this rat-race, but here I’m. A part of me is still alive that wishes escape and believes in love. Nevertheless, other part says – go-ahead girl, change. They won’t accept your honesty – so lie. There is no such thing as love and peace – and that’s how I have come to believe that reality does not have ‘Prince Charming’ and ‘Happy Endings’.

PS: This article was written on 1^st of July. Too late in posting it, I guess.

Life Without Your Smile

The first ray of sun peeps through my window to wake me up. I smile with your smile – It’s sheer joy and plain happiness that I gain out of it. The strength I derive out of it is Life.

I wonder what my world would be without that smile of yours - A damp dark room with roaches running all over. -The moldy stench that rots every living thing in vicinity. The cold shiver creeping in from the cracks in the floor will reach the core of warmth in me and will kill the flame.

I never knew what your smile was worth until today, when my heart ailed to see it gone. Gone, as I was the reason for your sadness. You smiled when I asked you for it, but it never had the warmth of the brown that your eyes carry.

My world will go vacant without your smile. My strength will fail – m y brightness will fail – my entire existence will fail. There will just be a scar remaining on my face in the name of smile. There won’t be any more sunrises to brighten my mornings. There won’t be any joy in my mischiefs. The sparkle of my eyes will be lost.

I wonder, where would life be or would it worth be living – A LIFE WITHOUT YOUR SMILE.

I’m a Wee Bit Jealous

I saw u coming through the thick traffic from a distance. You are always visible. I never have the trouble seeing you even at a distance. Not because you are too tall or you shine in the crowd or anything like that. It’s just because my eyes always seem to find you, be it far, be it near, be it crowded, be it dark, I will always see you.

So, today was no different. I saw myself through your eyes while getting ready to go out and meet you and I knew you will see what I did. I smiled but you didn’t. Somehow, today I felt you were a bit distant, preoccupied, and then you told me that you had an argument back home. But, I knew that was not the whole reason.

We spent the entire evening together and I heard everything that you had to say. I was there with you, though something was amiss between us. The usual “US” factor that your friends said was missing. I made sure it was. I made sure you spoke up as you made me speak my feelings. You taught me it was easy to talk and with you words came so effortlessly, so why is it difficult for you?

I made sure I am not paying attention to you and I made sure you felt it too. I looked into your eyes and realized what you were going through but I wanted to hear it. I wished you would say that you were jealous like you said you were possessive. It is one feeling I still cherish. I still smile at the mere thought of the fact that someone is so possessive about me. Did you not see me smile the entire day when you said that?

I do not fight with you to make you feel bad about something. I fight, so that you speak. Say that you love me with your entire being, as you really do. You said what I wanted to hear. You finally said, “I’m jealous. I want your unwavering attention.” And I smiled with my entire being. My entire angst vanished. I’m not angry anymore.