Amphibian

I am a kind of an amphibian it seems – with an ability to survive in two different worlds. The difference here is that the two worlds are created by me, viz. real and surreal.

The real life is where I am a sweet, caring, loving and a nice to be with person. However, this world of mine is meant only for me. I am not a part of this society, its norms, the rules and regulations and its people. I am an individual that feels cozy without anybody appreciating my presence. The lone self is beautiful and creative at the same time. It does not get bored with the day to day chores and certain useless work. I am no reformer of souls, or creator of a new world. I am just the nurturer of the existent. I do not seek approval of my existence from anybody. The freedom of thought provides sustenance to me and makes me stronger day by day.

The other world – the surreal world. I should actually not call it surreal as it is not a fairy tale, but that is not what I want so this is my tale and hence surreal. This is the world made by me for all to see and understand. The surreal I SEEKS – it seeks appreciation for the good work I do or criticism, for that matter, for a mediocre work. It desires perfection. It craves for approval on certain norms. It wishes to make friends, but it is selfish at the end of the day. It feeds on competition. It relishes work. It aspires to reach zenith. It wants to be supreme. It seeks peace in the restless world. It intends to break free the ‘not making sense’ shackles of the society. The societal chains can not resist her ambitions as they do not make sense to her. She will achieve what she intends to.

The amphibian will finally learn to merge the real with the surreal. But the peace will come with the achievement of the “Seeking” and the “Me”. So, till then the amphibian goes on…

Hatred Is A Form of Extreme But Negative Devotion

I believe that hatred is a very strong emotion – probably stronger than love can ever be. One needs an immensely tough reason to hate a person. I do not know and I do not understand but I have tried to make out the reason behind hating somebody. There have a lot of people across my life that have hurt me - some for the reason that they considered me better than them in some aspects and certain other for no visible reasons.

I cite a story from Ramayana to provide a clearer picture of the title I have written. Here it goes:

When the time came for the final war with Ravana, Laxman expressed his desire to fight with him and kill him. But Rama said no and added that it is his karma to kill Ravana. Laxman was perplexed but he tried to convince Rama about his abilities to kill Ravana. However, Rama said that Ravana was an immense follower of his and he has granted him a boon in his previous birth that he will be killed by him only. Laxman was further perplexed that why Rama considered Ravana as his follower. So, Rama explained that these many years, despite hating me, Ravana had been thing about in every moment of his being, that makes him worthwhile of heaven.

But, why I am writing this piece is to truly remove the hatred inside me for some body. For around 16 years of my life I have been hating somebody more than any other emotion I could give out or share with any other person. Today, I realized that I remembered almost all the details of that person. Starting from his facial features to the way he spoke, ate, sat, combed, smelled (as I am amazingly smell sensitive – so I relate almost half my emotions as well to with smell), walked etc. even the minor details as in the street leading to his place of living or the places he used to frequented to are fresh in my memory as new. But I have forgotten the face of my friends that were there with me in my primary school. It is weird right?

So, o thought that am I really trying get away from his thoughts or I am nurturing him in there by keeping his memories so fresh and alive. It seems, it was a kind of negative devotion from me. Trust me – if the ‘tapasya’ of some sort of some God or Goddess in the older times would have been a reality – then in that case some God would have descended the heavens and granted all my wishes if I would have remembered them as many times I have remembered that person.

I have wasted so many years to reach to this conclusion that indifference is a better punishment for somebody instead of hatred. Whenever you hate somebody, you spend so much of your energy and time thinking about that person. You actually give more to that person than the actual people who deserve and need your love.

I so much wanted to BREAK FREE of the hatred because anything that used to remind me of him could agitate me. Now, when I have broken the wall and cleared the clouds, it feels lighter – it feels beautiful.

Apprehension

The realization of a smile
The appearance of emotions
The warmth of affections
Gets me a feeling of apprehension

Am I worth the feeling?
Am I really on the receiving end?
Am I getting out of my shell?
The thought makes me apprehensive

Why should I be scared?
I do have the right to breath free
And the SUNLIGHT...
I'll get accustomed to it
I will...

The Sunrise

To begin with, I would want to clarify that the below mentioned anecdote is a dream, hence the beauty. Also, it is not my dream and I would not want to disclose the name of the person in the dream with me (primarily because it is your dream), not because I do not want others to know but because I do not want them to think. And I am sure you will agree to that fact that the kind of thinking I am referring to will make the content lose its essence…

Let’s begin…

It was an amazing sunrise, on one the most majestic beaches, where the soft golden sand and the gentle waves were caressing each other. The colorful beach somehow seemed a little unearthly and unblemished. The vast and sparkling blue water spread across till the eyes could see. The beach was empty save two people; me and you – walking hand in hand on the freshly powdered beach, completely oblivious to the surroundings but completely engrossed in each other at the same time.

I was walking holding your left hand (so unlike me – right?) with fingers entwined in yours and was holding my slippers in my left hand. The grip of your fingers around mine was firm yet so comforting and positive. It said that you will be there for me 'always'. You reminded me of a quote that said “The spaces between your fingers were created so that mine could fill them in.” And, I smiled at it, because you never came across to me as a person who could romanticize on small gestures. For that matter, you were perceived as an impervious, intimidating bully.

You dreamt of me wearing an angelic white wavy satin dress. The knee length dress was dancing with the breeze blending perfectly with the sky getting brighter with every passing moment. The moments seemed to elapse so quickly, and we so much wished that it stayed still. The small sparkling diamond studs in my ears glittered as the sunrays flirted with them. The diamonds smiled brightly as her beloved sunray touched her body, passing through it as a monochrome and emerging as a rainbow in all its beautiful colors. The refracted rays were playing around, creating different colorful shapes on my face.

The hint of kohl in my eyes gave it a brighter, vainer look and helped the emotions to appear clearly in them. The open hair of mine fluttered with the wind and kissed my cheeks so as to make you notice them. The pink of my lips was so brilliant that it almost wanted to give out my secret of the beautiful lingering feeling of the previous night spent with you.

You were wearing an ice blue shirt with half sleeves and blue denim that was folded up till the knees (pretty unlike you – right?). The alluring and enticing smell of your perfume hung around us, giving me all the reasons to smile and think of things associated with you. We wanted to speak about so many things but the serenity and the calm of the moment was so beautiful that we both let the tranquility seize us, lest we disturb the flow of thoughts. We could understand each others' thoughts so well even without the help of words.

I turned back to see how far we have walked and I could see the footprints of both of us on the sand as far as my eyes could see. Your prints were a little larger than mine and the spacing between them was also a little greater than mine. But somehow the steps seemed very close to my heart, as if we have been treading on the path inside it. The walk on that stretch of beach was splendid. The sun was making a halo around my head and I was a perfect blend with the sea behind. I looked as if I was some angel descended from the heaven just for you. I was looking so ethereal on the breathtaking beach, holding your hands.

And you woke up with the beep of your alarm ringing beside your ears…

The Nostalgia

The nostalgia flows in the empty space of my head as water flows through the broken dam, and will destroy every thing in its way, but I will control it no matter what…

What do I remember…is a mystery to myself…I miss those happy childhood days with my parents and the hostel life fun with friends…I so much wish that I could re-live those moments and wish that I would not have hurt some people as I did….I wish that I could have understood that life is beautiful in the way it is… I could have lived every moment to its fullest and would not have wasted... I would have done everything that my heart now cries for…

I wish I would not have fought with my mother and hurt her at times when I did it out of irritation of inability of attaining marks in y exams…I wish I could have ironed all of my mom’s cotton sari’s whenever she wanted to wear them (as she had to wait for me to come home during my vacations to do so)… I wish I had some more time to spend with my sisters…I wish I would not have yelled at them (whenever I got irritated)…

But I don’t understand why people remember sad things and be depressed. I know we can’t change our past so we can try to make up for them and make some more good memories for us to remember... It’s like we try so hard to be happy but we do not have to put in effort to be sad. It’s applicable for everybody.

I have some amazing set of memories as well…Wherein after remembering them, I laughed so much that I got cramps in my belly…So, we do have happiness in our lives more than we acknowledge or respect it...

I had read a poem some years back that stated a scenario wherein a husband was leaving his pregnant wife for a business tour on ship. The ship would have taken around a year to sail across and come to shore and the wife was sad that her husband would not be around her when the child would see the world for the first time. The husband tried to reason with her that he would come back soon and told her one thing. The husband said that I would be leaving day after tomorrow and you still have two full days to live and be happy with me. I know you will be sad after I m gone despite the fact that I don’t want you to. So why can’t we share the precious moments we have with us and be happy rather than pulling the sadness that will come after two days to kill today’s happiness.

This poem, I don’t remember the poem or the poet name, but the essence has lasted for around 6 years now and I think will remain forever. People may tag you unemotional or stone hearted if you are happy after listening to some news that supposed to affect (sadden) you after some days. But don’t you think this is stupid to be unhappy without any reason.

I am happy without any reason – very happy – seeing me thus somebody asked me why are you happy? I replied, just like that, why? Do you need reasons to be happy? He said yes you do and mad people are happy without any reasons. So, I replied that I would prefer being mad then. Is it so mandatory to have a reason to smile? Hello! Grow up people!

Research says that it takes around 43 muscles to frown but only 17 muscles to smile for human beings. So, why to waste so much of energy on frowning? Nostalgia or memories are supposed to make your life happier and beautiful so why to keep the sadder ones and be depressed or anything on those lines.

Life is very short, keep it simple and sweet.

It is bliss to be happy, just smile so that world remembers you for spreading happiness…
:)

Your explanation of a bear hug I received

The warmth of bear hug can be felt when it runs all across your veins. A hug usually tells you almost everything you think about that person, the emotions are transferred without a single word being spoken.

A hug was given to me by my friend yesterday (September 2) and I would like to explain it for him.

The hug was scintillating – a kiss planted on my cheek after that was similar to a cherry on top. The hug said – I want to tell you so many things but words fail me. The words fail to suffice the feelings of the emotion (or vice versa) I’ve in my heart for you.

The voice was quivering because I could not gather myself to speak so I asked you how you felt. I thought may be you will be able to voice out my thoughts. But, you are stone – trust me you are. It seems you don’t feel anything but that’s not possible. I have given all my emotion in that particular hug and the lift. I just wanted to feel your presence. Around me, with me for sometime. Did I ask for something that I should not have?

I don’t know girl, but I wish I could tell you what the small moments spend with you mean to me. I get a fresh feel, a new energy to work for a new day when you are around. The small caress you do, the small touch of your hands on my cheek mean a lot.

I work with a relaxed mind when you are around. I wish I could make you understand what that means to me…

Reality comes to you like a deep breath

I was just thinking about the office romances budding up these days. We fall for such kind of relationships despite of understanding its nuances in whole. The worst form of office romances are when one or both of the partners are married outside of their office relation.

However, the main issue is why do these situations arrive?

I have my own reasons for them – and not one or two but three... So let’s discuss the first one out:

Since majority of us work in private firms these days so spending over 9 hours in office is getting common. Nine hours of shift timings and at times the Over Time or learning’s (as some people prefer calling it). However, more time we spend at work more we become engrossed onto it. I like, rather love my work, and enjoy being in the office, but I do have a life outside work as well. Ok, I used to have – but now I have become so damn useless and worthless that I read books like P.S. I Love You to kill my time. Whatever, this post is not about me so lets get back to our discussion.

Spending so much of time in an organization, full of attractive opposite sex, all smart looking intelligent people – it’s human to get attracted towards them. Beginning of any romance is based on how much time do you actually spend with each other. So the first step is taken.

When you are working in a certain environment – you tend to understand the problems and scenarios faced by the people around you. You start to share your issues with them – you start to hear them out- vent out their frustration on their boss or a particular occurrence – and here starts the building of soft corner in your heart for them.

Human is meant to be emotional – and with the emotional tie ups and bonding taught to us since birth – we tend to get emotionally attached to the person who shares our emotional burden and hears us out in distraught situations. And the second step is taken.

The person on the usual basis goes home – spends his/her time in front of the television or in the kitchen. Spouses start speaking less to each other as they have their guilt may be or they might start missing their office fling. People start bringing their projects home so as to invest their time in their work. This is the start of lack of communication at home. People tend to forget to ask a simple question - “How was your day honey?” A small question - that conveys all the affection – loses all its essence. And the third step is taken.

However, when theses virtual relations leak to the break-up of real relations - when you are alone – and the emotions are shattered – then reality strikes on your face. People realize what thave they lost and what have they gained in these phases of non communication with their family

Howsoever, reality comes as a deep breath