My tears and my pain

My chest ebbs with pain

I know there is more to come

It is there to haunt me forever

Like air it’s ever present

Unseen but felt with every breath

Eyes don’t help me see it

But my heart feels it every minute

Tears stream down my cheeks

Salt cuts through the skin

Eyes won’t ever get parched

This pain will never go

It hurts to breathe every time

Let me have my piece of solace

Let me have my share of joy

Where has my smile vanished

Pain vanquished it to shreds

These shreds are all I have

My heart beats in pain

It will never leave me alone

It has become my partner for life

My tears and my pain

The unseen ubiquitous part of me

I am the princess of this world

A world of miseries that I live

They will always be there

To welcome on my doorsteps

A smile is what I seek

Perhaps am blaming the wolf

But I have to fight my ghosts

I feel to have lost the battle

Forever - now I have my trophy

My tears and my pain

Buzzed

My head seems buzzing with zillions of questions. I don’t answers to even single one of them. It’s not that I am not putting in efforts to understand them and get their solutions but it’s simply that I am unable to find any success there. Dilemma would be the right word for my state of mind right now. I am smiling, enjoying every bit of my life in a second and in another am simply thoughtful about something. I’m not even sure about what I am thinking.

A stable life is what I seek but with me, I guess complications come by default. My head spins and reels with these complications and I don’t even know how to seek simplicity. Someone told me it’s in the heart, all solutions lie deep down there. But am I calm enough to seek Inner Peace. Yes, that sounds like Kung-Fu Panda’s dialogue but I think that should help. Inner peace it is.

Now again, how do I seek inner peace? I’m feeling so wobbly with the kick of these thoughts. Just one thought to disperse though, is it really necessary to change yourself to suit someone else’s environment despite of the fact that they love you. I don’t know, all married girls that I have met till now say that they need to make certain adjustments but does not that mean somehow you are killing a very important part of yourself.

It’s me that you had loved, now why the need arises to change my habits and clothes and loud laughs to suit your family. Didn’t you know about them before you fell in love with me? Why change me now? Buzzed again. But this is not really what I am thinking. It’s just a part of it. Inner Peace, Inner Peace.

I hope I achieve it someday. Till then buzzed I am…

My World

My world has shrunken into mirthless laughter

I smile at you knowingly

You smile at me hopefully

Wistful that I am of your love

Still I know of your love me

My resolve to smile

And be the one you want

Will tear me apart

Will render me dead

I still try to be the one

Tears have stopped flowing

Sunlight has stopped making sense

Obstinate pains trickles down my cheeks

You can make me forget my woes

But your presence scares me

I didn’t know love

You made me realize it

May be it had arrived

Without my acknowledging it

May be it had seeped deep inside

But a day will come when I will have to go

Can death be a solution?

But no, it’s not

My dreams lay on your feet

Can I hold its fingers to help them stand?

I grin so you won’t see the sorrow I live

I laugh so you won’t feel what I think

But yes, I think.

I resolve to make my world simpler

Yet again this love maims all hope

Your absence does no harm

Your presence does

I love you yet I can’t reach you

You love me yet you can’t have me

Why my world can’t be simpler?

This mirthless laughter rings

And you think I am happy and shallow

I am content to make that impression

I am content that you don’t know sorrow

For I am old enough to understand

I should walk away and never come back

My reason for sustenance is you

But you will find happiness away

You make me feel worthy of being alive

My world has shrunken around you

Yet I laugh mirthlessly to prove otherwise

My world is complete without you

But I am incomplete forever…

Terrified

I am terrified today.

With all the pros and cons of me being with you being so highlighted - I can see only fog ahead. My visibility is impaired.

Scared of the fence that surrounds my heart. I can see the blue sea. I can see the white sand on the beach. I can feel the soft waves touching my feet. I can feel the soft sand pressed under my palm. I can feel the warmth of the sun touching every pore of my body but the absence of your sight leaves a cold heart.

There you stand by the sand castle far away from me. The castle will melt with the first roaring wave of tide coming towards me.

My thoughts waver from the softness of the waves tickling my toes to the roaring waves that will engulf the castle. Why the sea changes its temperament? Am I similar to the waves – temperamental and heartless? But if was to be heartless, I would not have felt cold in your absence. I would not seek your touch in my palms. I hate to feel scared.

Is there any way of reaching you? The white wooden fence around me is high enough to defend me. But do I need the protection anymore? I act well to not appear scared, but am I succeeding in doing so?

The only way I can reach you is by drowning me. I see myself walk towards the sea. You yell out loud somewhere, probably trying to save me but you have trust my abilities to come out unscathed.

I walk into the foaming sea. The water’s changing. The sea is no more a sweet tickle on my toes. It’s raging to engulf me, engulf my pain. I walk ahead. I wish you would come to hold my hand and hold me in your arms. But I expect too much happiness. I should walk ahead to meet you. There you are standing waving to me.

I walk in the salty waters. I taste my tears in the sea. Now I can’t hear you calling my name. Just a shadow of me remains somewhere. I called your name but the roaring sea enveloped my voice in its embrace. Now I am lost, lost deep into the heart of the blue sea.

I drown.

I die.

And there you stand. Probably waiting for me return. I hope you await my return till the sea beholds me. Wait till I come back again!

Will you please?

Liberation

Sometimes my heart yearns for pain

That’s when I think of love

Wishes slip from my lips for

Salvation from your thoughts

But am caught in a spider web

Why I beg for pain?

Sometimes I feel the need to disappear

That’s when I think of death

Thoughts take root in depth of soul

For liberation of green leaves

But there’s not enough sunlight to breathe

Why do I seek liberation?

उदंड

कुछ उदंड सी सोच है
जो जन्म ले रही है मेरे मन में
और क्यों न ले
आखिर उदंडता बसती है इन रगों में.
अब इस सोच का क्या करू?
इसे मोड़ने की कोशिश बेकार है
बहुत जिद्दी है ये मेरी तरह
कुछ ठान कर जन्मी है
क्या मेरे इस सोच के उदंड होने का कारण मैं हूँ?
शायद मैं हीं हूँ
पर होगा क्या इसे सुधार कर,
बेहतर बना कर?
अपने पहचान से, अपनी कोशिशों से
अपने जन्म से - वो उदंड ही रहेगी मेरी तरह.

Fingers Crossed

Life has all of a sudden come on the faster lane and I am probably running to hard to pace up. Am I exhausted? No. Am I panting? No. Then why on earth am I thinking about it? I search in the deepest of corners of my heart but can’t fathom out a solution. But I feel a realization roll across the corner of the dark road inside. It said, “Dudette, whatever happens, happens for a reason and trust me its good. So, wait and watch for what is coming your way. Till then do what seems right to you.”

I come back from the reverie to the real world and see that there is nothing to be sad about. Maybe there is better plan for me somewhere that I am unable to fathom now.  Maybe he plans me to be happier than what I am now. So, I just wait with fingers crossed.