You know what – I’ve been weird and never satisfied with what I had. Its one confession that I have never even offered to myself earlier, but I guess it’s high time I need to learn to appreciate what I have. I have experimented too much with my emotions, making them go through the most extreme forms of tortures one can imagine. May be it has been because of my troubled childhood (staying away from home when I needed them the most) that lead me to become a pest or a nuisance.
I was never serious about anyone, anything, or any emotions. Probably I never understood them or maybe I was scared to acknowledge them. I had always felt the sense of betrayal growing in me saying that if I am not happy why others have the right to be. I would hurt everyone around me just to vent out my hatred. I knew there were people who loved me sincerely, without asking for anything in return, but I guess there is a limit to people’s patience. I had hurt them enough – so I could ask for no friends, no companions, and no one for my own.
Truly, there are very few people I have sincerely had feelings for. I had relations with people either based on respect or love. Respect failed and one lost it all. Love lost – I don’t know what was lost but something grew and it was indifference. I had never been satisfied with people loving me and I had always asked for their undivided attention – something more than I could handle or deserved. I know now that it is not fair to ask for something that you don’t give them.
I have come to understand the essence of happiness, it is not about having everything you want but it lies in the small tiny details of love, beauty, competence, togetherness, communication, sweet nothings, hopeless fights, meaningless whispers, gibberish sentences, smiles, tears, sarcasm, apprehensions, expectations, and everything else included in a package rather than being greedy only for attention. I suppose, I have understood what Tirth (my best friend) used to tell me, “Be exclusive to someone.”