Please do not comment on this one.
I’m so confused about certain things in life – the facts that I thought were solved for life. Why am I being forced to do a certain thing? Decisions were never imposed on me earlier. It was I, who used to take all the decisions of my life and of family at times. Helpless is what I’m feeling right now.
I know, it’s just the place and time that’s making my head go bonkers, but my problem is not that – my problem is that why are people overrating me? I might have been born a genius but I’ve lost it now. The intelligence is ruined. Thanks to me ruining myself bit by bit.
I know this is the same ‘Richa Vani’ who read out a newspaper when she was merely 11 months old, but times have changed. Life has changed – I have. The most essential thing that is lost in this time frame is my trust in myself. When I believed that I write well and people used to show that much of confidence in me – I felt proud. However, these days I don’t have the trust in myself that I’m good even when some of the best people in their respective fields compliment my work.
I shy away from presenting my work and myself. If something could help, but the lack of trust would not even help ‘help’. I’m not certain about anything, any work, anyone. My ego has gone down to the abysmal depth of darkness and it does seem able to find its way up to light again. There is nothing but hopelessness left – or that’s what I’m able to see.
Escape is what I seek every time and from everything. I’m scared to take decisions. I’m scared to answer anything. When they say that I need someone to take care of me, it scares me all the more. I don’t want to be dependent on anyone for anything, and this fear is making me all the more vulnerable. I don’t know what I will do the next minute.
I used to believe that my lachrymal glands are defunct as tears would not come even at someone’s death. These days they roll out at the slightest provocation, sometimes even without provocation. The onetime fav quote, “It’s my life – I’ll do what I want to”, has lost its meaning and has turned out to be the biggest disaster of life. It is a tight slap on my face and a failure to be remembered every minute. The best of compliments I receive these days have lost their conviction for me and I’ve lost myself.
If there was a way to gain back my confidence, conviction and trust in myself – I don’t even have the strength to find that.