Wednesday, December 28

Buzzed



My head seems buzzing with zillions of questions. I don’t answers to even single one of them. It’s not that I am not putting in efforts to understand them and get their solutions but it’s simply that I am unable to find any success there. Dilemma would be the right word for my state of mind right now. I am smiling, enjoying every bit of my life in a second and in another am simply thoughtful about something. I’m not even sure about what I am thinking.

A stable life is what I seek but with me, I guess complications come by default. My head spins and reels with these complications and I don’t even know how to seek simplicity. Someone told me it’s in the heart, all solutions lie deep down there. But am I calm enough to seek Inner Peace. Yes, that sounds like Kung-Fu Panda’s dialogue but I think that should help. Inner peace it is.

Now again, how do I seek inner peace? I’m feeling so wobbly with the kick of these thoughts. Just one thought to disperse though, is it really necessary to change yourself to suit someone else’s environment despite of the fact that they love you. I don’t know, all married girls that I have met till now say that they need to make certain adjustments but does not that mean somehow you are killing a very important part of yourself.

It’s me that you had loved, now why the need arises to change my habits and clothes and loud laughs to suit your family. Didn’t you know about them before you fell in love with me? Why change me now? Buzzed again. But this is not really what I am thinking. It’s just a part of it. Inner Peace, Inner Peace.

I hope I achieve it someday. Till then buzzed I am…

Sunday, November 6

My World


My world has shrunken into mirthless laughter
I smile at you knowingly
You smile at me hopefully
Wistful that I am of your love
Still I know of your love me
My resolve to smile
And be the one you want
Will tear me apart
Will render me dead
I still try to be the one
Tears have stopped flowing
Sunlight has stopped making sense
Obstinate pains trickles down my cheeks
You can make me forget my woes
But your presence scares me
I didn’t know love
You made me realize it
May be it had arrived
Without my acknowledging it
May be it had seeped deep inside
But a day will come when I will have to go
Can death be a solution?
But no, it’s not
My dreams lay on your feet
Can I hold its fingers to help them stand?
I grin so you won’t see the sorrow I live
I laugh so you won’t feel what I think
But yes, I think.
I resolve to make my world simpler
Yet again this love maims all hope
Your absence does no harm
Your presence does
I love you yet I can’t reach you
You love me yet you can’t have me
Why my world can’t be simpler?
This mirthless laughter rings
And you think I am happy and shallow
I am content to make that impression
I am content that you don’t know sorrow
For I am old enough to understand
I should walk away and never come back
My reason for sustenance is you
But you will find happiness away
You make me feel worthy of being alive
My world has shrunken around you
Yet I laugh mirthlessly to prove otherwise
My world is complete without you
But I am incomplete forever…

Tuesday, November 1

Terrified



I am terrified today.

With all the pros and cons of me being with you being so highlighted - I can see only fog ahead. My visibility is impaired.

Scared of the fence that surrounds my heart. I can see the blue sea. I can see the white sand on the beach. I can feel the soft waves touching my feet. I can feel the soft sand pressed under my palm. I can feel the warmth of the sun touching every pore of my body but the absence of your sight leaves a cold heart.

There you stand by the sand castle far away from me. The castle will melt with the first roaring wave of tide coming towards me.

My thoughts waver from the softness of the waves tickling my toes to the roaring waves that will engulf the castle. Why the sea changes its temperament? Am I similar to the waves – temperamental and heartless? But if was to be heartless, I would not have felt cold in your absence. I would not seek your touch in my palms. I hate to feel scared.

Is there any way of reaching you? The white wooden fence around me is high enough to defend me. But do I need the protection anymore? I act well to not appear scared, but am I succeeding in doing so?

The only way I can reach you is by drowning me. I see myself walk towards the sea. You yell out loud somewhere, probably trying to save me but you have trust my abilities to come out unscathed.

I walk into the foaming sea. The water’s changing. The sea is no more a sweet tickle on my toes. It’s raging to engulf me, engulf my pain. I walk ahead. I wish you would come to hold my hand and hold me in your arms. But I expect too much happiness. I should walk ahead to meet you. There you are standing waving to me.

I walk in the salty waters. I taste my tears in the sea. Now I can’t hear you calling my name. Just a shadow of me remains somewhere. I called your name but the roaring sea enveloped my voice in its embrace. Now I am lost, lost deep into the heart of the blue sea.

I drown.

I die.

And there you stand. Probably waiting for me return. I hope you await my return till the sea beholds me. Wait till I come back again!

Will you please?

Liberation



Sometimes my heart yearns for pain
That’s when I think of love
Wishes slip from my lips for
Salvation from your thoughts
But am caught in a spider web
Why I beg for pain?

Sometimes I feel the need to disappear
That’s when I think of death
Thoughts take root in depth of soul
For liberation of green leaves
But there’s not enough sunlight to breathe
Why do I seek liberation?

Friday, September 30

उदंड

कुछ उदंड सी सोच है
जो जन्म ले रही है मेरे मन में
और क्यों न ले
आखिर उदंडता बसती है इन रगों में.
अब इस सोच का क्या करू?
इसे मोड़ने की कोशिश बेकार है
बहुत जिद्दी है ये मेरी तरह
कुछ ठान कर जन्मी है
क्या मेरे इस सोच के उदंड होने का कारण मैं हूँ?
शायद मैं हीं हूँ
पर होगा क्या इसे सुधार कर,
बेहतर बना कर?
अपने पहचान से, अपनी कोशिशों से
अपने जन्म से - वो उदंड ही रहेगी मेरी तरह.

Monday, September 26

Fingers Crossed



Life has all of a sudden come on the faster lane and I am probably running to hard to pace up. Am I exhausted? No. Am I panting? No. Then why on earth am I thinking about it? I search in the deepest of corners of my heart but can’t fathom out a solution. But I feel a realization roll across the corner of the dark road inside. It said, “Dudette, whatever happens, happens for a reason and trust me its good. So, wait and watch for what is coming your way. Till then do what seems right to you.”

I come back from the reverie to the real world and see that there is nothing to be sad about. Maybe there is better plan for me somewhere that I am unable to fathom now.  Maybe he plans me to be happier than what I am now. So, I just wait with fingers crossed.

Thursday, August 25

Dawn lit mountains of Tawang



Mystical and enchanting beauty of the Buddhist Gompas, apple gardens and the breathtaking views makes Tawang a haven for tourists in the north eastern state of Arunachal Pradesh

The breathtakingly beautiful Buddhist Gompas. The endlessly winding roads. The misty snow-caps. All packed in one picture-perfect landscape. To the knowledge of our readers, we are talking about Tawang, a city located at a height of 12,000 ft above sea level in the state of Arunachal Pradesh, and its one major attraction, the Golden Pagoda.


We started our journey from Tezpur, a pretty little town on the north bank of the Brahmaputra on Christmas Day. We were warned by the locals, before we started, about the heavy snowfall during the previous days and that we might have to return from Bomdila, halfway to Tawang. Snowfall closes almost all the road travel routes in Arunachal Pradesh. Bomdila is another hill station in AP where one comes across serene beauty and gardens laden with apples.


Our luck proved stronger and we had Mother Nature pushing us through the border of Bomdila and into the spectacular Tawang. The frozen lakes were wore an enigmatic look due to the dark shadows cast by the leaf-barren trees. The steep road was slushy with melted snow. The steep road was slushy with melted snow. The road through the beautiful Dirang valley that lead to Tawang offers magnificent views of rivers, hills and grassland merging into one. The hillside was covered with swards of flowers and fern.


The beauty actually made me wonder if we still need a trip to Switzerland.


Every nook and crevice had scenic appeal that waited to be captured in memorable photographs. One can see the beautiful crests and valleys, dangerously swaying bridges, ravines giving in to giggling rivers, an array of orchids dangling from snow covered trees and many more visual delights. Arunachal has over 600 species of orchids that include “Ladies Sleeper” variety, which are indigenous to the land and there is a prohibition on taking them outside the state.


By the time we reached our small but comfortable looking hotel in Tawang, the sky had started to overcast with dark clouds. During winters, the sun sets early, so it was already dark by 5:30 in the evening. We kept our luggage’s and met up in the lounge after some time and were really pleased to find an inviting fire to warm ourselves up after a long cold journey. Around the fire, we feasted on the local delicacies of the Monpa tribe, a major tribe group residing in the Tawang area amongst others. After chit-chatting for a while we were back to our rooms in the pleasing comfort of our room heaters, where I snuggled up in my bed to drift into a deep, deep slumber.


My first morning in the land of rising sun and I am awake bright and early. It’s wonderful to notice how the fatigue of city life vanishes so miraculously in the pure mountain air.


The itinerary for the day is already planned out and the first place to be visited is, without any doubt, the Gompa or Buddhist monastery in Tawang. It is reportedly the second largest in the world and is built in the style of a medieval fortress. The monastery is home to nearly five hundred Buddhist monks. And they are indeed very lucky monks. As far as scenic locations go, you don’t get much better than this. The complex is built on the edge of a steep ridge, overlooking the Tawang valley. Oh, and that   is surrounded by the Himalayas. As it has been mentioned earlier, you cannot find a better place than this - Recent restoration to the Gompa interior has created a small museum which is host to a number of relics and Buddhist items of interest.


After the tour of the whole Gompa complex, one can sit in its courtyard and bask in the winter sunshine. It is a welcome change and a truly relishing feel for each and every pore of our body.


As with most places, Tawang has its own historical importance attached to it which was told to us by the head monk of the Gompa and I am producing it verbatim.  The name Tawang is derived from the legend of Mera Lama, who set out in 1681 in search of a place to construct a monastery following the wish of Dalai Lama the 5th, his teacher. One day after his prayer for guidance, he found his horse standing at a spot on a hill-top quietly. Taking it as divine sign, he named the place as Ta = horse: Wang = chosen. The monastery was build with the help of the locals and even today they look after it with great respect.


And not to forget the Sela Top Pass, a pass adjacent to Tawang, which rises steeply and is full of snow for most of the year. The biting cold here made me crave for my warm car interiors, but being a city dweller I don’t get to experience such cold everyday and I thoroughly enjoyed it.


While touring other areas of Tawang, we came across many army camps. The reason being the place located in the highly sensitive border it shares with China and Tibet. The Indian Army has made their presence felt strongly in certain areas by restricting our movements for our own safety.


We were highly moved by the simplicity of the people of Tawang. The people of Monpa tribe are essentially a simple lot and despite the onslaught of modernity, they stick to their traditional way of life. They prefer a lifestyle that includes tending of yak and brewing their own local alcohol.


Other attractions of the town included a Handicrafts Centre, which was started to promote the small-scale industries for local handicrafts. The centre houses an exclusive and ethnic array of woollen carpets and shawls, amongst other things. People may also purchase rather inexpensive but good chubbas and shoes.


The rivers Tawang-Chu and Namjang-Chu are ideal for river-rafting activities, but as our luck would have it both the places were frozen solid as they remain so during the whole winter season. Tourists can also avail the fun and adventure of rock-climbing, paragliding, skating and other winter sport activities in the area at an extremely affordable rate.


Our two-day trip passed in a blur and before we knew it was time to pack for our return journey. Though I am not sure I would miss sub-zero temperature, but if given a chance I am sure I would swap the nerve-racking and chaotic city life to this easy and silent life. Any time.