Terrified

I am terrified today.

With all the pros and cons of me being with you being so highlighted - I can see only fog ahead. My visibility is impaired.

Scared of the fence that surrounds my heart. I can see the blue sea. I can see the white sand on the beach. I can feel the soft waves touching my feet. I can feel the soft sand pressed under my palm. I can feel the warmth of the sun touching every pore of my body but the absence of your sight leaves a cold heart.

There you stand by the sand castle far away from me. The castle will melt with the first roaring wave of tide coming towards me.

My thoughts waver from the softness of the waves tickling my toes to the roaring waves that will engulf the castle. Why the sea changes its temperament? Am I similar to the waves – temperamental and heartless? But if was to be heartless, I would not have felt cold in your absence. I would not seek your touch in my palms. I hate to feel scared.

Is there any way of reaching you? The white wooden fence around me is high enough to defend me. But do I need the protection anymore? I act well to not appear scared, but am I succeeding in doing so?

The only way I can reach you is by drowning me. I see myself walk towards the sea. You yell out loud somewhere, probably trying to save me but you have trust my abilities to come out unscathed.

I walk into the foaming sea. The water’s changing. The sea is no more a sweet tickle on my toes. It’s raging to engulf me, engulf my pain. I walk ahead. I wish you would come to hold my hand and hold me in your arms. But I expect too much happiness. I should walk ahead to meet you. There you are standing waving to me.

I walk in the salty waters. I taste my tears in the sea. Now I can’t hear you calling my name. Just a shadow of me remains somewhere. I called your name but the roaring sea enveloped my voice in its embrace. Now I am lost, lost deep into the heart of the blue sea.

I drown.

I die.

And there you stand. Probably waiting for me return. I hope you await my return till the sea beholds me. Wait till I come back again!

Will you please?